Black Ops Birders

What Makes a Bad-Ass?
Protocol for Ultimate Black Ops Style

By: Corvus Corax

ARE MY BINOCULARS HANGING TOO LOW!?  If so, this common birding faux-pas can invoke questions from the layman such as: “Have you been hunting?”, or “Who do you work for?”, or if encased in a jacket on a female geek, “When are you expecting?” Oh dear.

A fully-fledged Black Ops may be spotted with their binoculars at an awkward height on the torso, despite trying to maintain a sharp silhouette. Silent fabrics are choice, and hair can be unruly. Even in the age of The Oracle, hard documentation gear is on hand: cameras, loops, and a variety of field guides; so that the discovery on any given day is never compromised or interrupted.

To find a flock of Black Ops with cameras aimed at a tree boasting a fine representation of Homo sapiens genitalia, or at a turgid flush of gametophytes, is commonplace. They can also be seen lowing like cattle over a lump of scat containing putrefied rodent. A Bad-ass can never over-analyze a blood droplet or skid-mark, as these observations often result in fascinating anecdotes, for example: ‘Chew rodent skulls well, or they’re no fun to drag through the bum’ ~ we all have our imaginations.

Bad-asses readily chirp to others in a study group about how little they know, but the Black Ops actually know more than they let on. They find the little things, often perverse, and document them, while laughing on the inside.

The Black Ops make it a regular game of speaking in code, and pretending to be on high priority recon missions; this handily camouflages the absent and sometimes messy state of the complex Bad-ass brain. It is the willingness to investigate further after a day of immersion with The Learned, and holding a twisted mind behind one’s tongue, that makes a Black Ops a Black Ops.
The Bad-ass typically carries bounty to tempt others to become Black Ops; it is the perfect guise, because those who pack great food and other sweets are often assumed to be angelic. The treats ease the transition as geeks move to the Black side. Once the Black Ops patch is worn, the pride of becoming Bad-ass overrides the fear of being discovered. If discovered, the Bad-ass knows the code to bring others into the Black Ops fold with stealth and skill, and perhaps a cold beer.

 

Black Ops birders can be dangerously similar to other birders; driving with Black Ops can too, be risky.  Though we operate using tactical, cautious, and defensive protocol; brakes are often applied suddenly.  There are times when vehicle doors and rear hatches may be left open as the Black Ops vehicle veers out onto a parkway, spewing gear, in order to keep up with the learned and senior members of a study group.  Aside from the roadways, other mishaps may occur.  Technical equipment has been dropped into water bodies, and smashed into bedrock.  Footwear can be lost in bogs, eyes are poked for future floaters ~ guaranteed, and operative face-plants into snow and muck are commonplace.

Though there can be tactical mishaps, if a Black Ops and their crew ever get lost: Never Fear!  Survival is always in mind when packing for an outing.  A Black Ops can always save themselves along with their predictably helpless counterparts on any journey.  Like a good scout, Bad-ass birders will reliably have essential tools, liquids, plenty of food and other, ahem, provisions on hand.

Resist the urge to be cocky.  It has been proven that a Black Ops can become so confident with their Bad-assiness that they wittingly wander out of sight of their platoon.  It is easy for an operative to become distracted by a documentation mission, only to leave teammates panicking in the elements.  There is nothing quite like the hairy eyeballs a smart-assed agent can get from saturated cohorts once it has been discovered that said operative handily returned to a warm, dry rendezvous vehicle to sit in comfort while studying photographic results.  It is advised not to add fog doodles to these situations.  One must beware their Bad-ass ego when playing with others.

Black Ops Birders tend towards success; often managing unique businesses with clients who can’t seem to satiate their need for the curious Black Ops style: the IT Factor that comes with our super Bad-ass work.

Sometimes a Black Ops will honourably graduate from the flurry of self-employment to the big track:

The Government Office!

When this happens, the Black Ops must remain calm.  A new sleep schedule should be quickly and deftly adapted, with no hint of pain, or the Bad-ass may be discovered.

When wearing a uniform, attitude must be concealed to undergarments and socks.  Since Bad-asses often bite their tongue and keep thoughts inside their heads, new verbal skills must be adopted.  Projection is important, with head held high.  And the lips must delay thought, filtering through the data bank of curse words, ‘Artsy Fartsy’ phrases, and dirty analogies.  It should also be mentioned that scat photographs, calendars of genital-like tree growths, and other such hilarity projects should remain at home and not be brought to the office; not even to be hidden on the back of the office door!

Yes, the life of a Black Ops Birder is unique and mysterious, but if the aforementioned recommendations are followed, to the letter, a Bad-ass can retain an appearance of normalcy and professionalism.  That is also what makes a Black Ops a Black Ops, the ability to adapt, and we learn these skills through our entrepreneurial spirit and our intense observation of the natural world.  Our Black Ops style carries us through any situation, mundane or challenging, because we are Bad-ass, and the Bad-ass always come out on top!  CC.

To my Black Ops Ladies Crew:

May the forest be with you, and may you be among the forest.